I miss the days of my teeny weeny afro sometimes when I look at the lovely ladies who have just big chopped. Sometimes I think I did not bask in the glow of my big chop like I should. I wish I wasn't so busy with college at times where I just ignored thinking about what styles to do, or my hair altogether. I also let my natural friends and friends sometimes dictate what I did to my hair. Ultimately, I think I miss the liberation I felt when I first cut off all of that long permed hair.
If I had to do it all over again, then I would have set a date to big chop and plan a regime. I would have studied the natural hair sites at the time and sat down with my natural hair friends for tips. I also would have learned how to African thread properly before I big chopped too. Instead, my big chop was a rush of emotions and as a result of a weave gone wrong that gave me an excuse to do what I had been dreaming for years to do. I wanted to stop perming my hair!
I wanted to stop perming my hair, but at the core of it all was that I needed liberation from everyone's expectations for me, including my mother. I had "transitioned" for about two years before my big chop, but that transition was interrupted every step of the way by my mother.
I would come home during my breaks and my mother would ask me, "Why I didn't perm my hair?". At first, I said that I didn't want to and then she would promptly perm my hair. Then, I would say I didn't have enough money or I didn't know any good hair stylist and then she would promptly perm my hair. The best alternative came in weaves. The last weave before I went back to natural was by a woman I not gone to before. Little did I know that my hair had been severely tangled in one front section of my hair until I decided to take the weave out less than a month later.
I seized the moment. I grabbed the scissors and chopped that section off. I then called my mother and told her that I have to cut all of my hair off because it was all matted. After I hung up, I chopped the rest off! It was exhilarating!!!! Really I think I missed that moment of time of true liberation from everyone! I miss that moment of strength and glory.